I had an epiphany this week. I’m reading a book called French Women Don’t Get Fat. That’s not what my epiphany was about, but it is a fascinating book—probably “food” for a future blog entry. The book talks about how European women—French women in particular—look at food in a way that is vastly different than we Americans. It’s no secret that we Americans tend to “Hoover” our food—often in the car, standing up or at our desks. Having spent time in Spain earlier this year, I saw these theories in action—Spanish women overall are not nearly as heavy as their American counterparts, in spite of decadent pastry shops on every corner. I highly recommend the book—it might inspire you to re-think your own relationship with food.
One of the concepts that the author discusses is the wonder and delight of preparing one’s own food from start to finish, including the menu planning and the shopping. That’s where my epiphany came in. I love to eat and I love to cook. I used to love to shop, but find more and more that I dread the process. After reading French Women Don’t Get Fat, I figured out why and quite frankly, I’m a little ashamed of myself. (But not so ashamed that I won’t share with my readers. Oh heck—I can’t keep anything from you!)
I’ve been making a concerted effort to live my life more joyously and more responsibly. Joyously to take care of me, and responsibly to take care of my community, my planet, and the future generations to follow. I’ve gotten better at recycling, healthy eating, simplifying, conservation, giving back, and living by my own values. Supporting local businesses has become my pet project.
Why then, I ask you (rhetorically) do I persist in purchasing the bulk of my groceries at the Monster Store (I call it this because it is both big and scary)? The name shall go unmentioned, but they are not local, don’t operate in conjunction with my personal values, don’t have the freshest products, have terrible customer service and use enough darn plastic bags in packing up my groceries to wallpaper the Governor’s Mansion twice over. (Does a small bunch of bananas really require its own sack and why the heck do they put my plastic milk carton in a bag when it has a perfectly fine handle of its own? And come to think of it, why I am I buying non-organic milk in the first place?).
The answer is simple. I am frugal. Not cheap, not miserly, not austere, but definitely thrifty. I learned it from my mother and it has become part of who I am. It came in handy when I was a single parent pinching pennies. If I can go to the Monster Store and get items cheaper than at my local grocers, I will do it. I will grit my teeth, wait in line for exorbitantly long periods, and drive rather than walk to a cavernous store that also sells tires, CDs and plumbing supplies alongside its produce and meats all to save a few dollars. I will compromise my values, search longingly (and fruitlessly) for a clerk to help me find a product in its vast aisles and maneuver a cart (that inevitably has one broken wheel) up and down miles of concrete to the accompaniment of screaming children and people stopped in the middle of the aisles yacking into their cell phones, oblivious to the line of gridlocked carts they are causing to pile up behind them. I will do this all to engage in the benefits of rollback pricing. Hypocrisy—thy name is Maureen.
Mind you, I have no issue with others who shop at the Monster Store. I have empathy for the working parent who has a million and one things to juggle and needs to do one-stop shopping as much as possible and needs to feed a family of four on a “family of two” budget. I understand the elderly person of limited means who needs to stretch every penny. Not everyone has the time to make separate trips to the meat market, the produce market, the pharmacy and the flower shop. If time and/or money are limited or if getting persnickety about where one shops for groceries is not high on one’s priority list, then I applaud each and every customer who shops there. There is no doubt that the Monster Store offers discounts, variety and convenience. I’m all about live and let live.
But, it’s not me! And that’s where my epiphany comes in. (You thought I’d never get there, huh?). I am an empty-nester with flexible hours and while I am not wealthy or even debt-free, the few dollars I save each month are hardly going to place me on the list of North Denver’s Wealthiest Women. (Is there such a list by the way?) As I waited in line at the Monster Store this past week, frantically loading my groceries on to the belt in an effort o expedite the checkout process so that the six people in line behind me wouldn’t be kept unduly waiting, I noticed the tension in my shoulders, the tightness in my stomach, the mild little headache forming just over my right eye. I also felt the pang of my conscience, gently admonishing me to “remember who I am.”
I made the decision. No more. Frugality be damned. Some things are more important than a few dollars. I hereby pledge to revel in the eating process from start to finish. No more running the Monster Store gauntlet. I will walk or ride my bike to wonderful local shops in my neighborhood. I’m giving up chocolate bars loaded with corn syrup and heaven knows what for the occasional indulgence of really good chocolate from Le Chocolatier--the locally owned chocolate shop just minutes (by bike!) from my home. I’m counting on my blog readers to hold me to it! And maybe, if it feels right, to try it yourself!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
The Delicate Issue of Steps...
...And I don't mean the staircase you descend on your wedding day!
Consider yourself unusual if you and your spouse-to-be both have parents that are still married to each other (not your parents to your fiancé’s parents of course, cuz….well….that would be just…well….WRONG, but you know what I mean—both of your respective biological moms are still married to your respective biological dads!) I don’t have any firm statistics, but based on the number of couples I’ve seen, I’d offer a guess that only about one in 10 fit this mold. The rest of you have parental units that are some mishmash of divorced, divorced and single, divorced and remarried, divorced and living with a significant other, divorced and gay, or even divorced, remarried and divorced again. Multiply that by four and the possibilities for stress are endless!
The first thing you need to do is assess the situation. Remember that you are under no obligation to include anyone and everyone in your wedding ceremony. It’s your day! Easier said than done, however, if you are trying to be respectful to everyone but your mother won’t get near “that” woman and your dad will not acknowledge your stepfather’s existence. There are some however, some tips to get you through the worst of it.
Much will depend on the timing. If your parents divorced when you were young and the “step” was an integral part of your upbringing, then you will probably want to give them a higher level of involvement than the step who didn’t come into your life until your adult years.
For the most part (and I will acknowledge that there are exceptions to every rule) it is probably best to put a priority on the feelings of your biological parents—unless they just being plain unreasonable. Always mention them first and include in your ceremony in the highest places of honor. Generally, these include escorting the bride down the aisle, helping the bride get dressed (definitely reserved for your biological mom!)lighting the unity candle, the etiquette of being seated (i.e. bride’s mother is always the last to be seated, with the groom’s mother just before her), being given front row seats, inclusion in the prayer of thanks to parents, being thanked via a toast at the reception, inclusion in the receiving line (of there is one) etc.
Regardless of the closeness of the “step” relationship, please remember to give each parent (and “steps” are parents even if they are not biological ones) a corsage/boutonniere. It’s inoffensive to all, inexpensive, and subtle and the gesture will be appreciated.
Here are some other ways to include your step-parents in your wedding day, based on the comfort level of all involved:
Have your step mothers seated as part of the processional. Just make sure they are seated before the biological mothers.
If your stepfather has been an important part of the bride’s life, then think about having him escort you part of the way down the aisle, or joining you and your dad as you arrive at the front row. Check with your dad first!
Have your dad escort the bride down the aisle (in traditional fashion). When the officiant asks, “Who gives their blessing to this marriage?” ALL the parents (even the groom’s) can answer “We do.”
Have one of your step-parents do a reading or recite the final blessing.
Include your stepparents in the prayer of thanks to the parents. Out of respect for your parents, you’d have the officiant refer to your biological parents first, then your stepparents after that.
Blow off the entire idea of including any of your parents. Walk down the aisle alone (or with your groom) and just have all parental units be guests. That way, no one gets offended!
Have your biological parents do all the honors for the wedding, but include a special word of thanks to your parents AND stepparents in the program.
As far as seating goes, traditional etiquette (which can always be flaunted in unusual circumstances) dictates that married couples should be seated together. According to the rules of those etiquette mavens in the know, it should look like this (it’s the same for both bride’s and groom’s side, so we’ll just list the bride’s side). Your mom gets the first row and she should be seated next to her husband/significant other. Stepmom goes in the second row, seated next to your biological father. In cases where there is enough seating and everyone gets along, then all four parents (if there are that many) can be seated in the first row. The order should be (from outside in) mother, stepfather, father stepmother. Of course, if your father and stepfather are ready to kill each other, you’ll need to modify this arrangement. Use your common sense and get your officiant to help you—etiquette rules are there to make people comfortable. If following them has the opposite affect, then toss them and make up your own rules.
If the situation among your parents is really tense and you truly like and respect your stepparent but want to respect your biological parents’ wishes, then go along with your biological parents’ wishes for the big day, but be sure to arrange some special time with your step parents beforehand so that you can tell them how much you value them in your lives. Take your stepmother out to lunch, have dinner with the groom’s dad and his wife a week or so before the wedding. Make them feel special and let them know you are glad they will be there on your special day, in spite of possible difficult circumstances.
Alert your officiant and your wedding coordinator, if you have one, to possible volatile situations, sources of friction, etc. We’ve got experience in this field and a word from us in a recalcitrant parental ear often works wonders!
Consider yourself unusual if you and your spouse-to-be both have parents that are still married to each other (not your parents to your fiancé’s parents of course, cuz….well….that would be just…well….WRONG, but you know what I mean—both of your respective biological moms are still married to your respective biological dads!) I don’t have any firm statistics, but based on the number of couples I’ve seen, I’d offer a guess that only about one in 10 fit this mold. The rest of you have parental units that are some mishmash of divorced, divorced and single, divorced and remarried, divorced and living with a significant other, divorced and gay, or even divorced, remarried and divorced again. Multiply that by four and the possibilities for stress are endless!
The first thing you need to do is assess the situation. Remember that you are under no obligation to include anyone and everyone in your wedding ceremony. It’s your day! Easier said than done, however, if you are trying to be respectful to everyone but your mother won’t get near “that” woman and your dad will not acknowledge your stepfather’s existence. There are some however, some tips to get you through the worst of it.
Much will depend on the timing. If your parents divorced when you were young and the “step” was an integral part of your upbringing, then you will probably want to give them a higher level of involvement than the step who didn’t come into your life until your adult years.
For the most part (and I will acknowledge that there are exceptions to every rule) it is probably best to put a priority on the feelings of your biological parents—unless they just being plain unreasonable. Always mention them first and include in your ceremony in the highest places of honor. Generally, these include escorting the bride down the aisle, helping the bride get dressed (definitely reserved for your biological mom!)lighting the unity candle, the etiquette of being seated (i.e. bride’s mother is always the last to be seated, with the groom’s mother just before her), being given front row seats, inclusion in the prayer of thanks to parents, being thanked via a toast at the reception, inclusion in the receiving line (of there is one) etc.
Regardless of the closeness of the “step” relationship, please remember to give each parent (and “steps” are parents even if they are not biological ones) a corsage/boutonniere. It’s inoffensive to all, inexpensive, and subtle and the gesture will be appreciated.
Here are some other ways to include your step-parents in your wedding day, based on the comfort level of all involved:
Have your step mothers seated as part of the processional. Just make sure they are seated before the biological mothers.
If your stepfather has been an important part of the bride’s life, then think about having him escort you part of the way down the aisle, or joining you and your dad as you arrive at the front row. Check with your dad first!
Have your dad escort the bride down the aisle (in traditional fashion). When the officiant asks, “Who gives their blessing to this marriage?” ALL the parents (even the groom’s) can answer “We do.”
Have one of your step-parents do a reading or recite the final blessing.
Include your stepparents in the prayer of thanks to the parents. Out of respect for your parents, you’d have the officiant refer to your biological parents first, then your stepparents after that.
Blow off the entire idea of including any of your parents. Walk down the aisle alone (or with your groom) and just have all parental units be guests. That way, no one gets offended!
Have your biological parents do all the honors for the wedding, but include a special word of thanks to your parents AND stepparents in the program.
As far as seating goes, traditional etiquette (which can always be flaunted in unusual circumstances) dictates that married couples should be seated together. According to the rules of those etiquette mavens in the know, it should look like this (it’s the same for both bride’s and groom’s side, so we’ll just list the bride’s side). Your mom gets the first row and she should be seated next to her husband/significant other. Stepmom goes in the second row, seated next to your biological father. In cases where there is enough seating and everyone gets along, then all four parents (if there are that many) can be seated in the first row. The order should be (from outside in) mother, stepfather, father stepmother. Of course, if your father and stepfather are ready to kill each other, you’ll need to modify this arrangement. Use your common sense and get your officiant to help you—etiquette rules are there to make people comfortable. If following them has the opposite affect, then toss them and make up your own rules.
If the situation among your parents is really tense and you truly like and respect your stepparent but want to respect your biological parents’ wishes, then go along with your biological parents’ wishes for the big day, but be sure to arrange some special time with your step parents beforehand so that you can tell them how much you value them in your lives. Take your stepmother out to lunch, have dinner with the groom’s dad and his wife a week or so before the wedding. Make them feel special and let them know you are glad they will be there on your special day, in spite of possible difficult circumstances.
Alert your officiant and your wedding coordinator, if you have one, to possible volatile situations, sources of friction, etc. We’ve got experience in this field and a word from us in a recalcitrant parental ear often works wonders!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
We Know Who You Are!
Evil communication corrupts good manners. I hope to live to hear that good communication corrects bad manners.
Benjamin Banneker
The Internet, for all the good it does (I, for one, can't imagine a life without it) has not been without its downside. I really think that the cloak of anonymity it provides causes some people to think they are exempt from all accountability for their actions. Let this be a wake up call to some of you: just because you can surf the net without being detected (and even that is not a guarantee) it doesn't transfer over to being rude in public. We can still see you picking your nose in your car, you still hurt our feelings when you scream at us and yes, we know it is you when you are yelling into your cell phone at the library!
As you know, I recently placed my house on the market.Now, if you've ever listed a house, you know that the first people to investigate are the Looky Loos--most likely your neighbors who are just dying to either A. See the inside of your house or B. See how much it's selling for so that they can get an idea of how much their property is worth. Okay, we'll give you that. You're not fooling anyone, but we'll acquiesce on the point that it is human nature to be both greedy and curious. Heck--I've done it myself!
What I can't understand is the rudeness...no...the downright anger of some people. I've never seen anything, except maybe a wedding (and I know all about those) that brings out the emotions in people. And I'm talking about people that have nothing to do with the sale of the house! I'm gaining a new respect for real estate agents--who now rank up there with junior high school teachers in terms of being deserving of combat pay. My agent, Diane Peltier of Keller Williams, had been fielding more calls than I could have ever imagined on my property. Some people kindly admit that they are just curious and have no intention of buying, but others are downright hostile. One man, cowering under the anonymity of the telephone, bullied her into explaining "where the heck she got THAT price from" (the price is right in line with the house's appraised value and this man has absolutely no idea of the amount of remodeling and updating that has gone on inside the house) and proceeded to berate and yell, finally hanging up on her in spite of her polite responses to his questions.
Is this man interested in buying? Of course not--he is a neighbor on the other side of Sloan's Lake with an ax to grind. Wow! Here I was thinking I was simply selling my beautiful home so that I could downsize and give someone else a turn at pursuing their life and dreams inside its protective and beautiful walls. Instead, I think I've created the new talk of the neighborhood.
Kind of gives new resonance to the term "get a life"!! Gosh! Let me save many of you the trouble of calling and hassling my real estate agent. The house is listed for $424,900 with 3% back to the buyer with a full price offer. It is gorgeous inside and I will be very sad to leave it, but it is time. The hardwood floors gleam, the basement stairs are steep and scary, there's a patch on the kitchen ceiling where I once overflowed the bathtub above it and the gas fireplace lends a charm that I've not seen in any other home. I've married people here, had arguments here and drunk many glasses of wine here (sometimes after the arguments). I've laughed myself silly within its walls, hosted my family and friends for Thanksgiving here and pondered my life into the wee hours of the morning--sometimes while up to my neck in bubbles in the clawfoot tub. Nothing creaks (except the owner) and the faucets on the bar sink in my pantry are reversed. My favorite thing about the house is looking out the window watching the seasons change over Sloan's Lake. My least favorite thing is the pigeons that sometimes gather on my roof. You can see more details at http://www.lyssabeths.com/ .
You can still call us if you're just curious--it's kind of flattering, actually, but if you can't be pleasant--leave Diane alone!
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Labels
I've decided to sell my house. There--I've not only said it, but now I'm sending out to the World Wide Web, so it must be a reality. It's time. This 115 year old Victorian has been both the bain and the joy of my existence, depending on much money it cost me at any given moment and it is time to move on to the next adventure.
Yes, it is time. Jeremy and I want to travel more and do yard and house work less. My offsite wedding officiating is flourishing and it is truly where my passion lies. Oh sure, it's been fun to host small intimate weddings in my home; there have been many happy couples coming through my doors. But in reality those weddings comprise a very small part of my business and more often than not, these couples want only the basic civil ceremony which, while being very cost effective for them, does little to tap into my creative genius! The truth is that couples can get a basic ceremony anywhere--they don't need my talent for that.
So, today, my friend and colleague, Diane Peltier of Keller Williams will list my house. Ironically, it was the house that prompted me to get started performing weddings in the first place. It has served its purpose for me and it is time for someone else to fulfill their dreams here. When it sells, I will no longer be a home-owner, which is something I've been for most of my adult life. It feels strange, but it also feels liberating. I've conditioned myself to believe that owning a home is the financially responsible, adult thing to do. Does not owning a home make me flighty, irresponsible and (gasp) without roots? Probably not, when I actually think about it. Like most preconceived notions about labels, it is inaccurate when exposed to the light of examination and reflective thought. It got me to thinking about the labels we place on ourselves and others and how limiting they can be when we cease to stop and examine them.
At various periods of my life, I'm sure I've been regarded as the following, compete with the stereotypical attributes of each: college student, a soccer mom (I protest this one vigorously as I refused to ever buy a mini van, but I must admit that all the other characteristics were there!). I've been a DINK, (very briefly) a Yuppie, a single mom, a hot date, a bitch, a teacher, the difficult ex, and the doting wife. I've been employed, unemployed, self-employed and "between jobs". A sports-car owner, a "glowing" mom-to-be, a lapsed Catholic, an empty-nester, a divorcee, a writer, a daughter, a sister, a Grandmom (which I ain't given up for nothin'!) a familial black sheep (see lapsed Catholic and divorcee, above) and the doted-upon youngest grandchild. I've been considered a gym rat, a sugar-aholic, overweight, tall and slim, a handywoman, damsel in distress, victim (once, for about 3 minutes in my early thirties) and health nut. A risk-taker and a worry-wart. A comedian and a businesswoman (you need the former talent to succeed at the latter, I've learned). Saint and sinner. Self-righteous and problem-solver. A New Englander. A Coloradan. A liberal. A moderate. (I don't think I'll ever cop to being a conservative.)
Wow! Talk about dichotomies! Some of the above have been accurate perceptions; others not. I think the wonderful thing about careening toward 50 is that you cease to care. So what do I want to "be" after I am no longer a homeowner? A loving partner, a traveler, a dynamic and creative entrepreneur, a compassionate and fun wedding officiant, someone who doesn't give a rat's patoot about what she or others"is".
Oh yeah! The adventure has just begun!
Yes, it is time. Jeremy and I want to travel more and do yard and house work less. My offsite wedding officiating is flourishing and it is truly where my passion lies. Oh sure, it's been fun to host small intimate weddings in my home; there have been many happy couples coming through my doors. But in reality those weddings comprise a very small part of my business and more often than not, these couples want only the basic civil ceremony which, while being very cost effective for them, does little to tap into my creative genius! The truth is that couples can get a basic ceremony anywhere--they don't need my talent for that.
So, today, my friend and colleague, Diane Peltier of Keller Williams will list my house. Ironically, it was the house that prompted me to get started performing weddings in the first place. It has served its purpose for me and it is time for someone else to fulfill their dreams here. When it sells, I will no longer be a home-owner, which is something I've been for most of my adult life. It feels strange, but it also feels liberating. I've conditioned myself to believe that owning a home is the financially responsible, adult thing to do. Does not owning a home make me flighty, irresponsible and (gasp) without roots? Probably not, when I actually think about it. Like most preconceived notions about labels, it is inaccurate when exposed to the light of examination and reflective thought. It got me to thinking about the labels we place on ourselves and others and how limiting they can be when we cease to stop and examine them.
At various periods of my life, I'm sure I've been regarded as the following, compete with the stereotypical attributes of each: college student, a soccer mom (I protest this one vigorously as I refused to ever buy a mini van, but I must admit that all the other characteristics were there!). I've been a DINK, (very briefly) a Yuppie, a single mom, a hot date, a bitch, a teacher, the difficult ex, and the doting wife. I've been employed, unemployed, self-employed and "between jobs". A sports-car owner, a "glowing" mom-to-be, a lapsed Catholic, an empty-nester, a divorcee, a writer, a daughter, a sister, a Grandmom (which I ain't given up for nothin'!) a familial black sheep (see lapsed Catholic and divorcee, above) and the doted-upon youngest grandchild. I've been considered a gym rat, a sugar-aholic, overweight, tall and slim, a handywoman, damsel in distress, victim (once, for about 3 minutes in my early thirties) and health nut. A risk-taker and a worry-wart. A comedian and a businesswoman (you need the former talent to succeed at the latter, I've learned). Saint and sinner. Self-righteous and problem-solver. A New Englander. A Coloradan. A liberal. A moderate. (I don't think I'll ever cop to being a conservative.)
Wow! Talk about dichotomies! Some of the above have been accurate perceptions; others not. I think the wonderful thing about careening toward 50 is that you cease to care. So what do I want to "be" after I am no longer a homeowner? A loving partner, a traveler, a dynamic and creative entrepreneur, a compassionate and fun wedding officiant, someone who doesn't give a rat's patoot about what she or others"is".
Oh yeah! The adventure has just begun!
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